A Shower of Blessings

This week was a big one in the life of Aubrie, so for those rare people out there who actually care about such a humble life as mine, I thought I would share a few thoughts.


Thought #1- Heavenly Father loves us and is SO willing to bless us in our lives! Yesterday morning I started studying a booklet that our Stake Relief Society handed out as part of a 14 day program to come closer to Christ. It's a big deal that I did this in the morning, since my scripture study usually consists of reading a few verses before I fall asleep at night, and drifting off before I can write down what I learned. I could have/should have/would have been frantically finishing my reading for a quiz I had to take that morning in my Stress Psychobiology class (go figure, it would be so stressful!), but I decided to take my chances on the quiz and put the Savior at the top of my list.
So not only did I start out the day enveloped in a peaceful and happy spirit, but I continued to feel this joy throughout the day. And then four amazing things happened that assured me of God's blessings. It's like he showered them all down on me simultaneously just to assure me that when I put Him first, He will not withhold His tender mercies nor His mighty miracles!

First, my aunt who is my best buddy in the world and a radiant, elegant lady called and said that she is engaged to be married to a man we all adore. The wedding will be in March and I couldn't be happier for her!

Second, a close friend of mine who has been waiting for years for her chance to visit France has finally been presented with a once in a lifetime opportunity and a perfect fit for her! I hope it works out for her...and something tells me, this time it will!

Finally, a dear girl who I have had the privilege to get to know this past year has finally overcome the main obstacles in her relationship with a wonderful man, and they are making plans to be married next year. Yet another manifestation of God's perfect timing when we put our lives in His hands.

Thought #2- I didn't tell you the fourth big blessing. Did you catch that? Well, it deserves a section of its own because it affects 18 months of my life and has to do with proclaiming the gospel of Jesus Christ to people who are ready to receive it. Yep, you guessed it. After 2 years of waiting for the day I would be ready (more like 23 if you consider that I entered this world wondering where my black name tag was)...it's finally happening. I'm submitting my papers to serve as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! Originally the plan was to graduate first and set my availability date for sometime at the end of June 2012, but talking to my boss the other day and discovering I might need more pre-reqs for Grad School than expected, I decided, "Why put off for tomorrow what could be done today?" No need to rush through school and stress myself out. I'm finally in a place in my life where I am ready to serve my Savior full-time. So I will send them in right before Christmas and I expect to hear back probably around the time of my birthday. I'm hoping they come on January 18th, since that's my confirmation date and I will have been a member of this Church for exactly 15 years on that day. But we'll have to wait and see. I'll go where, and when, He wants me to go! I'm expecting state-side due to my medical history, so if I get a foreign language or a different country that will just be an added and unexpected bonus. But if I get called state-side, I can go back to visit more often! And maybe I'll love the area so much I'll decide to go to Grad School there! So it's time to hang up the old part-time badge. It's time to paint my masterpeice!

 

Thought #3- So with all this goodness, it turns out dreams really do come true! Maybe having Pascal as a hood ornament brought me good luck! When will my life begin? It already has, and it's been a great ride!




Thought #4- Pictures are great!!! Here's some from our Halloween party, Amy and my True Blue Experience, Road trips to the Vernal and Jordan River temples, my time in St. George with some awesome friends, and of my cute nephew...because what would an Aubs Blog post be without showing off my little cuties!

       

 

 

 I think this last picture best expresses how I feel about life right now. I'm having a ball and can't wipe this smile off my face. Things right now are better than ever, and the best is yet to come.

That doesn't mean I won't have days and even weeks like these...

 But it does mean that no matter how dim and grim things get to looking...there's always a shower of blessings waiting for you down the road!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I feel good. These past 6 months have been a difficult time in my life, but right now I feel like I'm coming out of a long, dark tunnel and into the marvelous light. There have been glimpses of hope all along, and little windows showing me what life could really be. But now I feel like I'm in the open air again, with the sun pouring down over me and a nice coolness in the air saying Autumn is coming. But before we rush into Fall, let me update you on five of the highlights of my summer.

1) I got to spend time with my parents and ALL THREE of my sisters and their families this summer, which is a HUGE blessing considering how we all live in different locations spreading over this country. I first saw Mags, Nate, and Rohnan over the 4th of July weekend in New Mexico. Then I got to spend some time with Rachel and crew in Rexburg (and go to the fancy new pool in town...okay, the only pool in town!). Finally, I headed down to Vegas and braved 100 degree weather to help Laurel and Jeremy pack up some stuff and spend time with their adorable kids. Overall, I feel very blessed to have been able to make these trips!

2) I conquered my biggest fear in the world and went rock climbing...outside, on real rocks. I had done the YMCA rock walls before but had always been terrified to do the real thing (that's how my dad died when I was younger). But after a year of learning more about him and the things that he loved, I decided to face my fear and try it out...after all, it was one of the things he loved the most. But I not only learned about what he loved, but about who he loved...ME. The experience gave me the confidence that if I could do that, I can do anything!

 That's me by the way!!

 3) I have now sent three missionaries off into the great white field ready to harvest. We started the tradition of getting as many of us together as possible when Hillary left for Portugal and we all gathered at her Aunt Melissa's house the night before she went into the MTC.

Then before Mary headed into the MTC on her birthday to learn the crazy, funky Czech language, a few of us got to go to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point. Though the week we were there it hadn't quite warmed up enough for the tulips...but there were some of them! And lots of daffodils! It was absolutely beautiful, and fun to be with the girls!

 

Then Beka got her call to Albania (of all places!!) and the four of us from the Elms who remained state-side went to Lagoon for a day of spinning, splashing, screaming, and smiling. I also got to go to Beka's farewell in Franklin County, Idaho and it was great to spend time with her before she left.

 

So now I've got three lovely ladies to write in the field, and I have to say I'm very proud, I got a letter out to each of them this week. (Very rare occurance so I need to live it up while I can!) 

                                                         

4) I attended my first midnight showing, appropriately for the last Harry Potter movie. I dressed as Rita Skeeter and have to say I played the part pretty well. Sarah (who is now my roomie...YAY!) went as Gran Longbottom and had the best hat I've ever seen. Also hung out with Peeves and Professor Trelawny...we had quite the variety of personalities! We went with a huge group of about 25 people and it was a blast. And the movie...absolutely epic! The end of an era. And what a great ride it has been!

5) Finally, to check off one of the adventures on my friend Bethany's bucket list, we went down to Salt Lake City to see Josh Groban in concert. It was her first concert and it was so great. He has the greatest eyes...but I still submit that he has some hobbit-like characteristics. I think they should consider him for The Hobbit movie coming out. Just sayin...

So there you have it folks, that was my summer in a nutshell. Now I'm in an apartment with two awesome girls and we're having lots of fun while trying to do our best in this new semester. Funniest apartment incident so far: the search for the lost turtle, Walter. He climbed out of his tupperware house (an aquarium isn't in the budget right now), survived the long drop from the table (those shells come in handy), and crawled behind the oven. Luckily, we pulled it out and pulled him out, discovering a nice, thick layer of grime and dirt that the large appliance had been hiding (possibly for years!). We scrubbed and scrubbed and bonded over scraping gunk off the floor at 11 o'clock at night. It was quite the adventure! And many more are sure to come!

I'll update you in a few months (I can't promise any more than that...blogging seems to be a tri-annual event for me :).

Until then I remain,
Always Aubs

Here's my question

I don't think it's a question that has a real answer, but I have to ask it anyway...and I might as well write about it here, on my blog, which is the current source of frustration.

What do you do when you want to delete a whole part of your life, because it was so unimaginably serene while you were in it, but after the fact, the pain that comes from its existence is too excrutiating to bear. In my own life, I am handling the pain by pretending it is not there, by choosing to feel nothing so I don't crumble from the pain. The apathy that ensues is just as, if not more, crippling. But I've put off the pain so long that I don't know how to feel it. So I choose apathy by default.

But when it comes to cyberspace, there are the unmistakable and undeniable traces of the life you used to live, represented in words, and even worse, in pictures, which scream thousands of words with one glance. But you can't delete that part of your life, because it happened. And you're glad it did, because it proves, to yourself more than to the world, that you were living. The whole blog page filled with what was, but no longer is...so do you delete those posts? No. You delete the blog. Then recover it five minutes later because you can't delete the stupid blog. Even though you hardly post on it, and when you do it's only to share wonderful and happy pictures of wonderful memories. So it's not that much apart of my life, except when life is going exceptionally well. But when life is not, I come and look at it anyway, and the disparity kills me.

I don't really look at other people's blogs, because usually they only post the pleasant stuff too, and that disparity is insufferable. I check my sisters blogs at least every week, because the pictures of their little babies is one of the three things that keeps me going...the reminder that happiness and joy and newness of life in all it's simplicity and purity DOES exist.

The other two things that keep me alive: the Gospel of Jesus Christ: temples, the scriptures, crying to my Father in prayer. Knowing that even in the midst of suffering I am not alone, for my Redeemer has already descended below all things. That here in my own Gethsemane, there is Someone who knows that place.

And finally, my support system. My Mom, my sisters, my other family members, my friends, my home teachers, ward members. The tricky part about this one is that it is fluid, it is not constant. Each person out there has a blog of her own, a life of his own, responsibilities and concerns of their own. They cannot support me and hold me up, especially because most of the time I don't let them, because I can't tell them, or because even if they were here...I haven't the foggiest of what they could do. But someone always comes through, and for all of you that are out there that have, and do, and will, I am extremely grateful.

The most difficult thing about having depression, I must come out and say it right now...that is why I must rely on the three aforementioned things, because I am utterly and deeply immersed in this severe disorder...right now more than at other times, but less than it was when it was worse. It is as an undulation that controls my life. A wave, no a stormy sea of towering waves, and I am tossed to and fro, and my body and mind are battered and bruised and torn on every rock.

Pause for a moment: I usually don't write about this on my blog...I usually don't share this publicly...ever. But last year I started writing in my journal about the negative stuff, to come to an acceptance of the fact that it is part of my life. But if I really accept it, which I am working on right now, then I will not be afraid to share it, so I continue...

The most difficult thing about having depression is having to be dependent.  Dependent on medication, because when you don't take it, you are a wreck...an complete, scary, dangerous wreck. in episodes such as this, you are starving. Because you don't eat. Because you can't get out of bed. Your bones ache from being in the same position all day long. You are exhausted from doing nothing all day. You need to go to the bathroom, but wait and wait and hold it because you hear voices outside your door, somewhere in your apartment, and you cannot be seen. You are despicable. You look disgusting. You feel disgusting. It is so hard because you need others to take care of you, but they don't. Utterly and totally dependent at times on something that is so inconsistent: people. And you are so inconsistent yourself, because though "being with people" is what you need the most, but it's the thing you want the least. You avoid phone calls, because you don't know what to say. You pretend to be asleep, or going to sleep, every time someone approaches. You plan things, fun things, with people, that you genuinely want to do...yearn to do...but then you can't make it...because the anxiety is to great. You are a disappointment to people. You let them down, constantly. You don't tell them you need help, and when you do, you have no idea what they could possibly do to help. It kind of goes down to Maslow's hierchy of needs: you need food. You are starving.

I am starved.
I am dehydrated.
I need food.

Luckily, I have dinner group, and that saves me, because I have a good, balanced meal three times a day. I also have a bag of cereal next to my bed, and in my car, so I can grab at it when it's absolutely unbearable. I have food in the fridge and on the shelves that spoils because I can't get out there to eat it. And when I do, I can't get myself to put anything together, or search through to see what food is mine, because I don't know what's there, and I'm so hungry. I'm so thirsty.

That's my greatest need, but how do you tell people that you are starving? Do you expect them to bring you food like you've been in the hospital? Because that's ridiculous! You are 22 years old and in college, that is something that should be so simple. Do you need to be admitted to a hospital, so they will bring you meals three times a day? Or an IV? Because for goodness sakes, I'm not anorexic, I could care less about body image. I need to eat, but have no desire, because that's what depression does to you: APATHY. And when the apathy's not there, it's anxiety. And then despair. Because you've been doing pretty well, you got out of your house almost every day this week, and when you're out of the house, you can get fast food. Fast food makes you broke over time, though, and that's scary. Thank goodness I'm starting this job next week--I can get some money. But for goodness sakes, how am I supposed to be responsible and have a job if I can hardly move to feed myself?

These are the questions that make my mind spin and my head ache. The ones that convince me that it's easier if I curl up in my bed and try to sleep. Even though I've already slept 14 hours, maybe I can snag another 2, because though the dream world is often no more comforting than the real world, at least they are not conscious torments.

Back to the original question, how do you delete a relationship from your life...one that is not working, that only really worked for a couple of weeks, and for that couple of weeks you got a couple of great pictures? How do you sever ties with someone who took such good care of you and made sure you were fed and gave you a reason to get out of your room, because thank goodness, he's not allowed to cross the Honor Code line? How do you stop an unhealthy dependency on another human being for such basic needs as food, water, security, and love? How can you prevent yourself from becoming too dependent again, when you have no idea when this episode will end, and when the next one will hit? How can you rely on people when they are so fickle, and when they are steady, you shy away from their help? How can you move foward and hope for a brighter day when this one is so dark, because you've only got up twice and neither of them even took you close to a window to show that the sun is still there, because it's daytime, even if the cloud are hiding the sun's rays. How can you make the decision to take one more step?

That was a lot of questions, and I don't think anyone can really help me with the answers. but in response to the last one...here's what convinces me that just one more step is what I need to do:

1) These pictures

2) This video

3) And this fact: I just talked to my mom, and she told me that very thing. And I know she's praying for me right now.

I didn't read over anything I just wrote. But I'm posting it anyway; because it's about time my blog reflects what my life is: a broken, difficult, but redemptive process of not understanding, but feeling peace, and finding the strength to move on every time. And a determination that I will keep moving forward, as they say in "Meet the Robinsons"...every time. And as I move forward, I will remain, always Aubs.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS (in a Frosty voice)!

What a perfect, wunderbar winter break we had together! Hiking with Holly and Michael, Aubrie whooping butt at games, Thomas making Rohnan smile, and Mom and Dad making us feel super welcome and comfy in our beautiful decorated Santa Fe home. Here's some fun pics from the great trip: